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Hi all. I know lately my posts haven't been the most encouraging or positive, unlike my older posts from previous years. As I've mentioned before, the truth is, I haven't been feeling like my best self these past months. As June rolls to an end and I finish up my second year at university, I think its important to have a sort of self-reflection with myself.
Although it was a mere 12 months, I do feel as if this past year has been the most struggling one in my life yet. Not gonna lie, I've experienced heartbreak like no other, the chase for a competitive career, the toil put into studying, the desperation of trying to secure an internship, the desolation of rejection and so much more. I guess that's the thing nobody ever told you, that love and loss come hand in hand. And you don't remember it, but at some point, there was that "last time" nobody warned you against. The last time you went out to play in the grass, the last time you saw your grandmother smile, the last time you did something meaningful. For a big chunk of the past year, I felt as though I was just living life as it is, without meaning, without direction. I felt like a sailboat lost at sea, with no compass. Needless to say, it was a pretty depressing year for me. There were even points where I went for counselling and considered signing up for emotional therapy.
However, I learned that everything in life comes with a lesson. I have always cared too much about what people thought of me, and as a result - always took everything way too personally, but yet always tried to believe that there was good in everyone. This time, I learned that sometimes no matter how many chances you give out to people, sometimes they don't deserve it. Sometimes you have to let go of some people in your life because that's how you grow. And even if it pains you to leave some people behind, we just have to remember that it's all part of life's journey. As we grow up, some people grow apart; and that's okay.
Which brings me to the second big thing I am trying to learn, to deal with negativity better. Rejection, to me, was always hard to deal with. After all, it's always nicer to get what you want, and to prove yourself. At the beginning of the semester last year, I got rejected from so many companies when I was applying for internships that at some point, I truly felt hopeless. I just started feeling as if my sweat and tears weren't worth it anymore. Besides that, something I've always felt conscious about is how social media makes me feel. We are all slaves to it, and yet when I see something that doesn't impact me well, I'm not gonna lie, it does affect me quite a bit, and I usually end up spending the whole day with that specific thing in the back of my mind. I took a few breaks off social media, but always returned. Always a slave to it. Rejection from my personal life, and some rejection from my online life, definitely didn't make me feel good. And I'm still trying to find a way to cope with it now. Trying to take things less personally, to not let one failure dictate my life, and to never let anyone tell me what I should do or feel.
21 is such a confusing age to be; you're no longer a teenager, yet you're not old enough to carry yourself through life and call yourself an adult. But yet, with all the sadness I've been through, I am most grateful for the support system I have. For my family and friends who always got my back through and through, and for anyone who's ever reached out to me and asked if I needed support. Thank you for loving me despite all my flaws, and I hope one day I will be able to love myself too. As I now transition onwards as a 21-year-old, I hope the next year will bring in better days and more lessons. Thank you for reading.