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I type this at 1:30a.m. on a Sunday morning, listening to Kodaline's album while filling in my journal. The journal I bought literally two days ago, titled "1 Page At A Time", by Adam J. Kurtz. The concept is simple, very much like those "Wreck My Journal" books. Basically, you fill in one page per day in this 365-paged journal. I was intrigued by it the first time I picked it up in Borders, and decided to buy it two weeks later, on the 31st of August 2017. I started on it right away that night. And my journey to happiness began.
As August and Summer came to a close this year, I realised many things about myself. For one, I finally admitted the fact that I wasn't happy. And when I discovered this fact, I realised that for a long time, I have been feeling that way already. (At this rate I had to pause my Spotify because music always distracts me when I'm trying to concentrate haha). Anyway, before you start calling me an ungrateful hypocrite or anything like that, let me first clarify that I KNOW I am super super blessed. I have a roof over my head, food that is more than enough to feed my 5"2' frame, an amazing education to look forward to, and the best family and friends anyone could ask for.
I am super blessed. That isn't the reason I am unhappy. I realise that I've been unhappy because I've been working too hard, expecting too much and never feeling like I am enough. In the past year (or more), I have been striving, hustling, but in the midst of it. I barely had enough sleep, tried my best to please people who didn't give two shits about me, did things because I was afraid of being left out by my friends, and all in all just curated my life around what would be ideal, and not what I truly wanted. I became someone who was successful, but that person was always insecure, always apprehensive, always risk-averse. I started doing the things I loved lesser and lesser, and focused on academics, social life etc. In short, I became someone I didn't like very much.
And somehow, I don't know how I managed to live with myself for so long, but in the last week of August, I finally decided that I shouldn't live like that anymore. So here's to self-love, one day at a time. Here's to having enough sleep and waking up as late as I can. Here's to eating whatever I want, with moderation. Here's to a healthier mindset and body. Here's to learning to say no, and not succumbing to peer pressure. Here's to loving hard, because for me, it's all in or nothing. Here's to fighting for what I want and deserve. Here's to more baking. Here's to more self-pampering sessions. Here's to more effort to brighten up other people's days. Here's to being kinder, more compassionate and empathetic. Here's to more writing, journalling and blogging. Finally, here's to liking myself a lot more, this time, next year.
Most importantly, here's to one's sole happiness. I only want to be genuinely happy, that is my end goal.
I'd like to conclude this short post by sharing with you guys the conversation I had with my best friend the other day. He asked me how are things going, and I said:
"I'm not the person I aspire to be yet, but I know I'm taking steps towards it."
I think, that's what really matters, giving your all into the journey of self-discovery and inner peace. And it doesn't matter if you fail along the way, all that matters is you made progress.