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Hi all. I know lately my posts haven't been the most encouraging or positive, unlike my older posts from previous years. As I've mentioned before, the truth is, I haven't been feeling like my best self these past months. As June rolls to an end and I finish up my second year at university, I think its important to have a sort of self-reflection with myself.
Although it was a mere 12 months, I do feel as if this past year has been the most struggling one in my life yet. Not gonna lie, I've experienced heartbreak like no other, the chase for a competitive career, the toil put into studying, the desperation of trying to secure an internship, the desolation of rejection and so much more. I guess that's the thing nobody ever told you, that love and loss come hand in hand. And you don't remember it, but at some point, there was that "last time" nobody warned you against. The last time you went out to play in the grass, the last time you saw your grandmother smile, the last time you did something meaningful. For a big chunk of the past year, I felt as though I was just living life as it is, without meaning, without direction. I felt like a sailboat lost at sea, with no compass. Needless to say, it was a pretty depressing year for me. There were even points where I went for counselling and considered signing up for emotional therapy.
However, I learned that everything in life comes with a lesson. I have always cared too much about what people thought of me, and as a result - always took everything way too personally, but yet always tried to believe that there was good in everyone. This time, I learned that sometimes no matter how many chances you give out to people, sometimes they don't deserve it. Sometimes you have to let go of some people in your life because that's how you grow. And even if it pains you to leave some people behind, we just have to remember that it's all part of life's journey. As we grow up, some people grow apart; and that's okay.
Which brings me to the second big thing I am trying to learn, to deal with negativity better. Rejection, to me, was always hard to deal with. After all, it's always nicer to get what you want, and to prove yourself. At the beginning of the semester last year, I got rejected from so many companies when I was applying for internships that at some point, I truly felt hopeless. I just started feeling as if my sweat and tears weren't worth it anymore. Besides that, something I've always felt conscious about is how social media makes me feel. We are all slaves to it, and yet when I see something that doesn't impact me well, I'm not gonna lie, it does affect me quite a bit, and I usually end up spending the whole day with that specific thing in the back of my mind. I took a few breaks off social media, but always returned. Always a slave to it. Rejection from my personal life, and some rejection from my online life, definitely didn't make me feel good. And I'm still trying to find a way to cope with it now. Trying to take things less personally, to not let one failure dictate my life, and to never let anyone tell me what I should do or feel.
21 is such a confusing age to be; you're no longer a teenager, yet you're not old enough to carry yourself through life and call yourself an adult. But yet, with all the sadness I've been through, I am most grateful for the support system I have. For my family and friends who always got my back through and through, and for anyone who's ever reached out to me and asked if I needed support. Thank you for loving me despite all my flaws, and I hope one day I will be able to love myself too. As I now transition onwards as a 21-year-old, I hope the next year will bring in better days and more lessons. Thank you for reading.
Honestly not even sure if anyone ever reads this space anymore, but if you do - thank you.
One of my New Year's Resolution was to grow internally, but lately (for the past few months), I haven't been feeling like my absolute best. There were just too many days I didn't feel like getting up, too many mini panic attacks, too much overthinking and a lot of which I felt was too much to deal with. I know I always try to portray myself as a positive person online, but I don't think I should hide this part which is wholly still me. The truth is, we are all gonna have our ups and downs in life. A bad week or month shouldn't depict how we feel for the rest of our days. Yet, why do little things always bother me so much?
I hope we all fall in love in 2018. With ourselves.
Not even gonna start off with my usual "wow I haven't blogged in so long" style. HAHA. Instead, let me start off with a warning that this is a rather wordy post, so feel free to leave if that isn't your thing.
(Here is a rather shit quality photo of me because I am rubbish at editing.)
Every time a new year dawns upon us, I am forced to think about the fact that there will be an increase to the number I tell people when they ask for my age. Even though I hit the big 2-0 last year (oh my goodness I am old), I mentally and emotionally still felt like the 16/17-year-old me. Admittedly, I felt the same when turning 18 and 19. Perhaps the reason behind that was because there wasn't much change in my life? Everything was rather smooth sailing despite a few hiccups here and there. With that, I could probably say that 2017 was the toughest year of my life, but it made me grow up, and gave me the push I needed.
When faced with hardship, we often blame it on whatever we can. On timing, on situations, on people, even. Sometimes on God, too. It's easy to blame and blame because then, we won't be held responsible for our actions. I saw this tweet the other day, it said:
"We often judge people based on their actions but judge ourselves based on our intentions. Why don't we judge people based on their intentions and judge ourselves based on our actions more?"
Take a moment and really, really think about that. (When I read that, I was so awed by the amount of truth in it that I decided to make it my mantra for 2018.) The point is, why is it so easy for us to casually mistake a situation without first reflecting on ourselves? We are so quick to scrutinise the tiny details that we forget to look at the big picture. Through my slow but steady transitional thought process, I realised that often when we are in a situation we are not comfortable with, we overthink the whole picture and start seeing it as a false illusion instead of what it really is, because its easier to fit something into our mould of reality instead of accepting the truth. I've seen this manifested in many people including myself, and in hindsight, when I look back at the times where I've gone through this, I realise things could be a lot simpler if I just took a step back and accepted that some things are just not meant to happen. It hurts sometimes when you don't get what you want, and I'm still very much learning the beauty of acceptance and letting go of things you can't control, but I've definitely come to understand that God put everything in place for a reason. Even if you don't believe in God, please believe that everything that is happening right now is exactly the way it should. You may not see it now and you may not understand, but in the long run, everything will be okay and you will realise that you had to go through the pain in order to get where you are.
Approaching 21 this year also made me realise that I truly am not my 16-year-old self anymore, physically, mentally and emotionally. I no longer have the metabolism of a growing teenager, and that means I have to care about my health more. 2018 also marks the fifth year of my body image issues, and it's honestly quite scary to acknowledge that this has been something I've been struggling with for so long. Self-love is still something I'm putting a lot of effort in to manifest. In this case, not just physically but emotionally as well. Honestly, I am trying. And I'm trying really hard. I can vouch that it really is all about taking one day at a time and not being too hard on yourself. Sometimes feelings do get really exhausting and I just wish I could somehow detach myself from any emotions so I could feel okay. But emotions are what makes us human, right? We are so flawed and yet we try so hard to hide these flaws, try to hide the way we feel. I'm slowly still trying to learn that it doesn't matter how people perceive you, as long as you love yourself and realise your worth.
One thing I am so so grateful for is how much I've grown mentally. Training your mental state is, essentially, being conscious of your thoughts and gearing them in the direction you want it to grow. This means accepting your thoughts for what they are, be it good or bad. How I do this is whenever I have a bad thought, I try to think of it from another perspective, the other side of the coin. Don't forget that there is a silver lining to each cloud and there is no way you cannot turn a bad situation into a good one. I try to stay relatively positive by focusing on the things I'm grateful for, and am trying to spread more love to those around me. Admittedly, I do have quite an OCD personality and this usually deters me from sharing my life with people. This may sound confusing to you HAHA so let me explain: I like things my way, ordered and structured and I utterly despise entropy. Because of my independence, in the past I tended to focus a lot more on the things I needed to get done, or how things will work in my favour. Growing up meant that I saw things a lot more broader, and made me realise I needed to open up my heart. So I let people in, and I can honestly say that it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Even though there will always be a small part in my brain that tries to pick on my OCD, I now consciously try to be more open, and am definitely trying very hard to treat people the way I want to be treated.
Overall, the twenties is such a confusing period of time to be in. People can get their degrees, get jobs, get married, become broke, lose everything they have or achieve everything they ever wanted. You can have your shit together and still be confused as hell. How are we supposed to figure our lives out at this age when we barely know what we want? I definitely do not know what to expect or what to hope for for my next 3 years, let alone the next decade. All I know is this; I'm trying and am willing to try, willing to fight for what I want, willing to learn one step at a time, willing to be a better friend, daughter, sister and person, and am now willing to accept whatever God has in store for me.
I hope 2018 shapes us all into the kind of people we aspire to be.
Honestly I've had this in the back of my mind ever since Summer started, but never got round to actually blogging about it because I was
Anyway!! Me and my friends took some time off after our final exams to sunny Croatia! We visited two cities, namely, Dubrovnik and Split. Honestly not sure which one I preferred more because both were super pretty. (P.S. didn't put in much effort into this blog post, as I forgot most of the details... sobs)
The city of Dubrovnik was covered in small alleys with stairs, making it hard to find specific places. However, it does give the city that special touch of heritage.
We mostly just chilled around the Port of Dubrovnik and the ancient little alleyways, eating ice-cream and looking at things.
I can't even remember what this beach is called... had to scroll through my Insta feed to find it HAHAHA. Anyway its called Banje beach!! LOVE the tranquil colours on the water and skies.
Went kayaking on our second day there!! No photos because I wouldn't dare to bring my camera out on a kayak... However, I can vouch that the view was gorgeous!!
Dinner at i-forgot-where-because-this-happened-so-long-ago.
drove down to Split the next day with our rented car! The only unpleasing thing about Split was the Airbnb we lived in HAHAHAH.
Had lunch and chilled at the Port of Split the next day!
Ended this trip on a high note and really glad I had the company I went with! All in all, would visit Croatia again :)))