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11 Things I've Learnt About Moving On
DISCLAIMER: some parts of the text were taken from Tumblr posts/Thought Catalog articles, though I can't remember which.
I wrote this on Day 43 of being single. Never thought I would put this up here, since I'm actually in a relationship again. But Athisha, this one's for you. Paggie, this one's for you. Ming Xuan, it's for you too. And it's also for all the other brokenhearted girls out there, especially those who've been in long-term relationships.
Back then, I've been putting my thoughts out everywhere, on a third Instagram dedicated to moving on, on a second Twitter account dedicated to ranting, on notebooks and on Whatsapp chats to my friends. It really does help, getting it all out. And I've almost forgot how much I loved sitting at the table, typing away for a new blog post.
So far, here are some things I've learned about being single and moving on.
It really is easier said than done.
You see, I was in this relationship for so long, that I had forgotten what it was like to be hurt by an ex-lover. I had forgotten the pain I went through in my last breakup. Doesn't matter if it hurt more/less this time around, the common thing about breakups is that they hurt. And pain is inevitable. You can talk to loads and loads of people about it and you can get tons of different advices, but moving on and letting go - utmostly, it is your choice and your decision. However, even after you made the choice of letting go, it is still hard to implement. After all, how are you so sure that you have let go? Just because you don't check their social media anymore? Just because you stopped crying at night? It really is easier said than done, because the brain knows what is right, but the heart can't control what it feels. Believe me when I tell you, "I understand". I understand because I still wake up every morning thinking about him, and I still cry some nights, thinking about what could've been. And every single day it is just a constant struggle for me to navigate my mindset towards positive things and happier times, just to avoid thinking about him. Which brings me to my second point.
There is no set time limit to when you will start moving on.
Some say it takes half the time of your relationship to move on. i.e. if you dated for a year, you will take 6 months to move on. I don't necessarily believe in this theory. In the weeks following my breakup, I began reading lots of online forums/blogs about break-ups. Some said it took them years, some said they moved on within a month, regardless of the durations of their relationships. As all relationships are individual and different, and people hurt in different ways, I don't think there is a set time period where you will "completely move on". It is all up to you. So be kind to yourself and forgive yourself often, you don't have to get over him today, you just have to get over today. You can be sad and disappointed, but at the same time, remember to get through your day as well. Remember that time stops for nobody, so don't stop hustling.
Temporary bliss is still bliss.
In the present where I am typing this, I had the best night ever two nights ago. I had pre-drinks with friends (and ended up bawling my eyes out thinking of my breakup... shoutout to my friends who had my back), and we headed to a club. On my way there, I started rethinking my decision of going out and was going to take a U-turn to head back home. Thank god I didn't, because I truly had the best night out in WEEKS. The whole of last month had just been dreadful for me, every single day filled with misery. But that night, I danced to good music all night. Although it was only a one night thing, I was still able to swoon over it for the next couple of days, because I truly haven't felt so happy in so long. And even though it is only temporary happiness, at the end of the day - maybe these are the things that really matters most. The small things: like being called pretty, dancing with a cute boy at the club, or someone doing something kind for you, or running an extra 100m at the gym, or catching your bus just in time. At the end of the day, maybe we should just hold on to these little things that give us joy, as trivial as they are.
Self-love is so so important.
When I first broke up, I was completely broken. I kid you not, I couldn't focus in lectures/studies, would cry all the time, couldn't even eat properly. I know it sounds delirious, but it really wasn't easy for me to pick myself up again. I found solace in Tumblr and Thought Catalog (bless you, Internet). I have probably read more than a hundred articles/tumblr posts about moving on, because I just needed someone/some piece of writing to relate to. And I did find it. On Thought Catalog was where I discovered the meaning to self-love. Stop putting yourself through pain. Look at the mirror and tell yourself that its right that it ended. No matter how or why it ended, all that matters is that there was a full stop to it. And maybe its temporary, or maybe its permanent. And maybe you'll never know until you know. But darling you have to be your own hero. Nobody can help you except yourself. It is super hard to accept the reality of things, and I know sometimes it's easier to live off old memories and happier times. But you have to remember that those things were what he was, not what he is. I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go of. It's like we're scared to lose something we don't even really have. They say that having something is better than having absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all. So respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.
You cannot force anyone to love you back.
It took me awhile to understand this. For weeks, I was begging for him to come back to me. I tried winning him back by doing things for him, by dedicating time to him, telling him I would change if he would give me another chance. After about a month, I began to realise that doing all this renders no use, and would only cause me more pain in the long run. So i stopped. I began cutting off all contact, for the benefit of myself. And it hurt, seeing him hang out with other people and thinking of the possibility that he will one day love another, hold another in his arms, and do the things we used to do with another. But we have to remember, sometimes love is about letting go. And sometimes, people say forever and don't really mean it. I guess all we can do is forgive them for it, and accept that they are also human beings who make mistakes. Human beings who also have emotions, and also deserve happiness and if you can't give it to them then someone else can. I am still learning this, to not be selfish and accept that he is not mine to hold anymore. You cannot clap with only one hand, so you have to release them. Though it hurts now and it will hurt later, stay strong and stay positive.
You do not need anyone. You only need yourself.
Getting into a rebound relationship will not fill the void in your heart that your past lover left there. In fact, nobody can fill that void, with the exception of yourself and God. You just need to remember your strength and realise that you can live without him because you already are doing just that. The pain will remain deep for now, but eventually it will subside and one day you will wake up and realise that you are okay again. All you need is yourself, and sometimes that's more than enough. Don't blame love, it's not love's fault. It's just that sometimes life happens and things don't turn out the way we want them to. But that's okay too, because I believe that everyone is strong enough to fight their own demons. God would never give you hurdles that he knows you can't go through. And even if the world comes crashing down on you, you will still have yourself.. And you need to start treating yourself like someone worthy of loving.
Learn to let go when it is time.
They say if it's true love, you'll never stop trying. But that isn't true. Sometimes you need to give up because doing so is the only way to save yourself. I held on for the longest time, wishing he'd come back. Of course, he never did. I always believe that "if it's meant to be, it will be". The more you try to control something, the more it controls you. Free yourself, and let things take their own positive course. Of course, you never really forget someone, and I don't believe that you will truly get over someone if the love was real. But you certainly release them. You let them change their haircut, let them move, let them fall in love again. And when you see the person you have let go, you will realise that there is no reason to be sad. The person you knew existed somewhere, but you are separated by too much time and space to reach them again. So don't fear change, embrace it; and don't go looking for things, things will find you when you least expect it. It is all in God's perfect timing.
Cry when you want to, you deserve to grieve.
I used to hold it in, pretend like everything was okay, when I knew it wasn't. In the end, I just broke down one day while getting high. I just couldn't stop crying even though I wanted to. I didn't give myself the time and love I deserved. So if you want to be sad and depressed and eat tubs of Ben and Jerry's, my advice is: do it. Do whatever makes you feel better. I always feel better after I cry and have a good night's sleep. Remember that it's okay to feel weak, and needy. But you also have to remember that it's okay for people to not want you and be with you the same way you want them to. Let it happen. It will be painful. The next day, it will still be painful. But literally just let yourself feel the pain. Let it hurt until it no longer hurts.
One of the best decisions I made after breaking up was going to the gym regularly and reconnecting with my friends. Going to the gym doesn't make things better, but hey, at least you look good! If you've always wanted to pursue a new hobby but never had the time, now's your opportunity. Although the distraction is only temporary, it'll keep your mind off things, and you'll learn something new in the process of it. Even if you'll never get your boyfriend back, at least you'll learn something about yourself and maybe do something you never knew you were capable of. For me, day in day out I was at my uni library and the gym, and at night I would watch movies. Anything that kept my mind off him.
Positivity is key.
It's going to be hard waking up every single day and forcing yourself NOT to think of him. I get it, I've been through it too. The first few days (weeks, even) after my breakup, I woke up with a numbing feeling in my head and an empty vessel for a heart. You don't have anyone to text anymore as soon as you wake up. You don't tell anyone about how your day went anymore. Your body doesn't react well because it's so used to having this one specific person around. I get it, I really do. But darling, do remember that everything that happens in life will pass and you will find happiness again. Although it's a painstakingly long process and even I don't know how long it'll take, let me promise you that I got through this, and you will too. God has bigger and better plans for us, for you. Slow progress is still progress, so be proud of yourself for trying, and be patient with yourself.
Those who stand by you in this moments, cling on to them.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. I am thoroughly blessed with having the most amazing friends ever. My friendship circles have gotten smaller over the years but honestly, its really quality over quantity. Its not so about who wishes you happy birthday as the clock strikes 12, or who meets up with you the most frequently. It's about those who sees you at your lowest, and decides to bend down to pick you up. In my times of hopelessness, I was lost and didn't know who to turn to. Thankfully, there were people around me who were willing to love me through my brokenness and support me, giving me endless advice no matter how many times I broke down and forever lending me their shoulders to cry on. For taking me out to make sure I was alright. Remember these people in your life, for nothing beats having friends and family you can always rely on. Remember them, and always stay by them This one's for my endless support system : Iza, Johaan, Paggie, Alex, Thejas, Rachel. THANK YOU. I love you all. For my sister who came all the way down from up North to give me better days, you are the best sister in the world. To Zoe who let me soak her sweater with my tears that day in the library, you were the hug I needed. To Jun Sern and Daniel for the pep talk I wanted to hear, and to everyone else who helped me through the tough period I went through. You know who you are, and I love every single one of you.
Hi readers, Summer has officially begun in London and that means a lot of sun and not enough wind to keep it cool HAHA. I'm that type of girl who complains when it's too hot, too cold... Too much of anything just ain't good for me. Which reminds me of a day when the weather was perfect, back in March. Completely forgot to blog about this but me, Crystal and Si Qi went out for a girly brunch back then, and we had a ball of a time at Coppa Club Tower Bridges. We got to dine in one of their pop-up igloos and although the sun was shining bright, it was nowhere near as hot as it is now in Summer. We also got to take lots of pretty photos, here they are:
always a good time to dress-up and have good food with these lovelies.
actually the waffles weren't that great HAHA they were stale and felt like they were left out for a long time..
some Marilyn Monroe feels hehe.
trying so hard not to squint in the sun HAHA.
as a closing note, can't wait to go back to Malaysia in about a week's time!
Hi readers, and boy I have to say, has it been long!
A lot of things have changed since my previous post, yet - the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same. It's really funny how life works out sometimes, you have days, weeks and months planned out in front of you, when suddenly a turn of events occur and everything once familiar to you end up becoming something you don't even recognise. But my point here is not that haha, it is to share with you guys my recent trip alone, to Berlin. Check out my vlogs at the bottom of this page if you haven't, I basically documented everything there in the form of videos, including my thoughts and feelings about the trip. I knew I wouldn't have remembered everything if I didn't record it down, so I'm glad I made those vlogs HAHA.
People always ask me why I like blogging, or vlogging. I tell them, I like looking back at my life. Truly, there is something special about reading/ watching something your past self said, and realising how much you've grown since then, or how much you still haven't changed some parts of yourself. Even though situations or people might change, in that moment where I penned down those thoughts - there they will remain. And in that split second where I took those photographs, there I will resonate with when I look back at them. OMG IM GETTING SO DEEP NOW HAHAH. Here are some of the photos I particularly liked from the trip, enjoy.
I should really fix up the brightness and saturation of this photo but honestly I'm just too lazy. Stumbled upon this pretty little alley with pink buildings and flowers all over.. not too sure what the place is called though!
asking people to help me take photos was one of the most challenging things on this trip LOL...
famous places feat. macarons
squinting so hard in the sunlight hahaha asian problems.
Hey all ! Recently just started my winter holidays here @ uni and i'm honestly so so relieved because i finally have space to breathe !!! Swear I'm not exaggerating or anything when i say that i'm super busy during term time, juggling between school , studying , extra curricular activities and a part-time job ... Been promising to tell you guys about my London adventures so finally , here I am now ! 3 months late but hey , better late than never aye ?
starting my blog post with one of the last few photos i took of my room , aka the hardest thing for me to leave behind *sobs*
flew from KUL to LDN with my bf !! the flight and transit was torturous though
first breakfast at Le Pain Quotidien !! tbh i hate cured meat HAHA i only wanted everything else on that plate ...
when we first got to London , we were really fortunate because the weather was more than 20 degrees everyday , so so similar to Malaysia's .. thus explaining why i could wear tank tops and skorts .
and of course , with all the amazing dairy products in London , how could a dessert lover like me say no ? HAHA gonna be so fat by the end of my time here in this city :-)
soon after I arrived in London (about a week or so) , I was officially enrolled in my choice university , The London School of Economics and Political Science . This time , last year - I could only dream of attending this place , i even had pictures of it pasted on my wall !! My then roommate Rachel can vouch for it LOL . with the blink of an eye , here i am !!!
speaking of Rachel , we met up for burger and fries after she arrived in London too x
lots of freshers' events means lots of drinking ... and here's a rare one of me glowing tomato red with Alex .
more deliciousness ...
mandatory touristy shot on the London Bridge !
visited Regent's Park with Zoe and Megan ! no idea where to group pic of us is but .. SO IN LOVE WITH THIS PLACE TBH
KTJ reunion when Kelly and Michael came down to London !
MSOC picnic on the first week of uni ... it's so funny to look back at this photo now , because back then I barely knew anyone in the pic and just took the photo for the sake of being in it ! but now we happen to be really good friends HAHA
more KTJ reunions because we're so clingy tbh AHAHA
food here is not bad , although it comes at a hefty price . most of the times i still mentally convert everything into RM before purchasing stuff but i should really stop because all it causes is pain and heartache :'(
first Malaysian meal in London @ Roti King ! quite disappointing tbh , bring back my Kayu mamak and Village Park nasi lemak hmm
one of my favourite places to eat is Eat Tokyo , mainly because its super affordable for its portion size + its really near to LSE so yippee for convenience !
On The Bab is another really good place i tried , although my bf didn't like the Korean fried chicken ahaha .
Eat Tokyo again .. i probably go here once every week .
Tombo matcha bar , and again - bring me back to KL where i could have countless amount of matcha lattes from Tsujiri :( :( :(
tried out the super famous Cereal Killer Cafe ! pretty interesting little place but they ran out of the Reese Puffs cereal i wanted so i had to opt for something else FML
Crosstown donuts ! had these on the last day of the term alongside the cereal up there . wanted to go for the last Maths lecture of the term since its the only one i have with a good lecturer ... but Daniel and Jun Sern convinced me to go to Shoreditch with them HAHA .
if you asked the 17-year-old me if i'd go for donuts and cereal with Daniel from 5E and Jun Sern from 5M , i'd be like "whaaaaatttt" . but fast forward 2 years later and i realise we all actually click pretty well !! what can i say , food unites people
with Ruth and Sie Yin for MSOC committee photoshoot day !
more KTJ reunions ..
Halloween with Eun bae when she came down to London again !! coincidentally twinned as black and white angels huehue
Li Wann ! again , one of the people i barely knew before coming to LSE but so so glad we got to know each other better here :)
Jun Sern ! jeng jeng jeng come and see us act together in LSE's MNight ;)
Vinn Kee came to visit London one day and we had Kanada-Ya for dinner ! that makes 2/10 of the FABxten babies :3
Liyana came down from Warwick for MVoice ! haven't seen this one in super long so it was good to catch up xx
truth reveal : every time i take an OOTD , i mentally brace myself for the cold , wait for people to get out of my background , strip my coat off as fast as possible and make my photographer (whoever it is at that point) to just SPAM . HAHAH . and in those 1000 photos they spammed , hopefully i find one that is to my liking ...
to end this blog post off , i just have to say ... HJDAKVJIOF I MET DAVID BECKHAM + BROOKLYN + HARPER + CRUZ . okay technically i didn't meet them ... me and Jo just bumped into them at Winter Wonderland . we really wanted a pic together but the bodyguard straight up said " NO" before i even finished my question lol . so disappointed but me and Jo were honestly so starstruck and hyped up after that hahaha .
soooo yeah , so far so good in London i suppose . i don't deny that it is super stressful at LSE . heck , i want to cry every day because i've never felt so dumb in my life before . but i know i'll pull through , just gotta have a little faith + a lot of hard work . thank you so much for still keeping up with my blog and i hope to update soon !